Setting Boundaries with My Favorite 13-Year-Old

I put my own ability to set boundaries—even with little things—to the test over the last two days.

I had my niece, a teenager who’s in that developmental stage of asserting her independence and finding her own sense of self.

I realized quickly that I had to be very clear with boundaries—which, when I think about it, are really just rules within a structure. And structure, while not always popular, provides a kind of steadiness that young people actually need, even when they push against it.

Life at 13: Then and Now

When I think back to being 13, life was very different. Our days weren’t filled with glowing screens and endless notifications. We filled our time in ways that called on our bodies and our imaginations. We played outside until the streetlights came on, rode our bikes for hours, built forts in the woods, and let creativity guide us.

The hum of crickets at night was the soundtrack of those long summer days, and boredom wasn’t something to be feared—it was often the doorway to invention.

That’s why I pause now, when I see how different things are for this generation. There’s a kind of constant stimulation that wasn’t there before. Somewhere along the way, we started feeling pressure to give in—to say yes to screens, to keep kids happy in the moment. But balance is important.

What the Research Shows

Research helps explain why these boundaries matter.

   •   A large review of nearly 300,000 children worldwide found that higher levels of screen time were linked to greater anxiety, low mood, attention difficulties, and irritability. What stood out was the cycle: when kids feel stressed, they often turn to screens for quick comfort, but over time this can make it harder to build other ways of managing emotions.

   •   A Canadian study of preschoolers found that early tablet use was tied to more frustration and outbursts. Instead of learning how to settle themselves, children were leaning on screens, which limited the development of self-regulation skills.

Taken together, this research paints a picture that isn’t about panic but about balance. Screens aren’t inherently harmful, but without boundaries, they can gradually interfere with a child’s emotional and social growth—making it harder to handle frustration, regulate moods, and connect in deeper ways.

A No-Technology Day

So when I told my niece—firmly but kindly—that the day would be a no-technology day, it wasn’t about taking something away. It was about making space for the kinds of experiences that once came so naturally: a long walk, feeding the horses, playing a board game, ordering in dinner, and capping it all with a movie at home.

What I noticed is that once the expectation was clear, the resistance didn’t last. As we moved through the day—walking, laughing over a board game, or settling in for the movie—the absence of screens didn’t feel like a loss. It felt like presence.

Firm and Kind

Firm and kind—that’s how I try to set boundaries. Not wishy-washy, not harsh, but steady. Because what looks like a rule on the surface is really an invitation: an opening for connection, imagination, and the kind of grounding that helps a young person grow.

Closing Reflection

Watching my niece put her phone aside reminded me of what being 13 once meant—long bike rides, forts built with friends, and evenings filled with nothing more than the sound of crickets. For her, the details are different, but the need is the same: time and space to feel connected, creative, and grounded. Boundaries are part of how we make that possible—not to take something away, but to give something back.