Authenticity and Attachment

Authenticity and attachment often live in tension with one another. Authenticity invites us to live in alignment with our inner truth—our needs, limits, and emotions—while attachment pulls us toward connection, belonging, and approval.

When those two instincts collide, most of us instinctively choose attachment. As Dr. Gabor Maté explains, we will always choose connection over authenticity when our survival depends on it, especially in childhood.

It’s hard work—often lifelong work—to risk being real when our nervous system still equates authenticity with danger or rejection.

Healing means learning that we no longer have to choose between being loved and being our Self.

Here’s a short clip of Gabor Maté speaking powerfully about this dynamic and why the pull toward attachment runs so deep.

I talk about this often in session because it is such an important concept to understand in our work together. So much of healing involves recognizing how early patterns of self-abandonment were actually adaptive strategies to stay safe and connected. When we begin to explore this dynamic with compassion rather than shame, we can start to reclaim our authenticity—not as defiance, but as integration.