Wisdom in Interpersonal Boundaries

by Brendon Antill

The first step in setting healthy boundaries is recognizing the internal signals that arise when a boundary is being crossed. These signals—feelings of discomfort, resentment, or frustration—are your mind and body’s way of alerting you to a potential violation of your needs or values. Reflecting on past experiences or imagining possible scenarios can help you identify these cues more clearly.

The next step is to pause and examine the validity of these feelings. Not all discomfort signals an unfair boundary violation; sometimes, it reflects personal growth, shifting expectations, or the need for deeper understanding. There is little value in reinforcing a boundary that is misaligned with your core values or that causes unnecessary harm to yourself or others. True wisdom lies in discerning when to stand firm and when to adapt, ensuring that boundaries serve both self-respect and healthy relationships.

The next step is to uphold and reinforce your boundary when necessary through assertiveness. Assertiveness is the balanced middle ground between passivity (being a push-over) and aggression (being overly confrontational). It involves expressing your needs clearly and respectfully, using firm yet concise language, maintaining an upright but relaxed posture, speaking in a calm and steady tone, and honoring both your own and the other person’s personal space.

The final step is to establish a realistic and proportional consequence if your boundary continues to be violated. This might mean limiting communication, stepping away from a situation, or reassessing the nature of the relationship. The key is ensuring that the consequence aligns with your values and reinforces self-respect without unnecessary escalation.

As a final thought, one of my favorite sayings about boundaries is: “We teach people how we want to be treated.” By setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, we not only protect our well-being but also model the respect we expect in return.