What the Grieving Need Most
Honouring the Six Needs of the Grieving, from David Kessler’s work
by Angela Larmer
Grief is not just sadness. It can be numbness, confusion, anger, silence, or exhaustion. It can be quiet or overwhelming. It can show up long after the world expects it to. Grief is a change that you did not want. It can interrupt everything familiar and make the ordinary feel unfamiliar.
While others may offer advice, reassurance, or encouragement to “stay strong,” those who are grieving often need something much simpler: to be met exactly where they are.
Grief expert David Kessler, who has spent decades supporting individuals and families through loss, outlines six essential needs that often arise in the grieving process. These are
not stages or steps—but invitations to honour what grief asks of us.
The Six Needs of the Grieving
(Developed by David Kessler, grief expert and author of Finding Meaning)
To have the pain witnessed
To express feelings without judgment
To be reassured that grief is normal
To be free of unhelpful advice
To find meaning in the loss
To find ongoing support
Each of these needs is a reflection of the deep human longing to be seen, heard, and held
during grief. What follows is a closer look at these needs, inspired by Kessler’s work and
grounded in therapeutic practice.
To Have Pain Witnessed
You don’t need to be fixed—just heard. Not everything has to be made better. Sometimes what helps is someone sitting beside the pain without trying to move it or explain it away.
There’s no need to present the grief a certain way. It’s allowed to be loud, quiet, confusing, or still. When pain is witnessed with care, it becomes a little less isolating.
To Express Feelings Without Judgment
There’s no “right” way to grieve.
Grief brings feelings that are often unexpected. Anger. Numbness. Relief. Guilt. Peace. They all belong.
Some days are heavier than others. Some carry silence. Some bring tears. There is no single emotional roadmap. All of it can be welcome.
To Be Reassured That Grief Is Normal
You’re not broken—you’re grieving.
There’s nothing wrong with being in pain. There’s nothing wrong with feeling nothing at all. Grief doesn’t follow a pattern or expire on a schedule. It moves in and out, sometimes softly and sometimes with force. It may not feel normal, but it is.
To Be Free of Unhelpful Advice
"Shouldn’t you be over it by now?" That won’t be said here.
Advice can feel sharp when the heart is tender. Even when it’s offered with good intentions, it can miss the mark.
What helps more than words is presence. Not pushing forward. Not trying to lighten the weight. Just allowing it to be what it is.
To Find Meaning in the Loss
You may never “move on”—but you can move forward.
Meaning isn’t about justifying the loss. It’s not a lesson or a reason. Sometimes it’s as simple as remembering.
Over time, meaning may come in small ways—in values that deepen, in memories that guide, or in how grief becomes part of the story without being the whole of it.
To Find Ongoing Support
There’s no deadline on grief.
Grief doesn’t disappear after a few weeks, or even a few years. It can live quietly for a long
time. Support doesn’t have to be immediate to be important. Whether it’s been days or decades, it’s okay to reach out when the weight of loss is still present.
Looking Ahead
In September, small grief support groups will be offered for those navigating loss—recent or long ago, sudden or slow. These gatherings won’t try to fix grief. They will honour it.
More details will be shared in the coming weeks. Until then, if these words resonate, know that grief is welcome here. Your experience is valid. And you are not alone.
Attribution:
This post is inspired by the work of David Kessler, author, grief specialist, and founder of Grief.com. His framework, “The Six Needs of the Grieving,” offers a compassionate foundation for those supporting and living with grief.
